


like stupid people do

by kattyshack



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crushes, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Matchmaking, Romance, Texting, an overabundance of ‘typing…’, it’s the trifecta, i’m here for the luv and the lolz, listen i ship sansa with theon AND jon AND podrick okay, sansa’s love trifecta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 00:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18927478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/pseuds/kattyshack
Summary: Theon didn’t mean to set off some sort of text chain of divine intervention, but that’s what you get when all your mates think they know what’s good for your mess of a love life — even if it takes them a hot second to figure out who it is you fancy in the first place.(title from “talk about you,” by mika)





	like stupid people do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soapieturner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soapieturner/gifts), [jolie_unfiltrd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jolie_unfiltrd/gifts).



> a/n: so it’s been a minute, i know, i know. i’ve been a busy bee the past few months. it’s all been about improving my life and slugging away on my book, all of which is still happening, but i’m getting into the groove of it all now.
> 
> and i know that, when i made my triumphant return to ao3, most of you were expecting more jonsa. which i’ll get back to when i’m feelin it. but i’ve discovered the joys of multishipping! i think sansa/theon is an incredibly sweet pairing, and it’s one i very much want to continue exploring. so there’ll be plenty more to come from me, new and old stuff alike! for now, regardless of what you came for, i hope you’ll stay for everything else i’ve got!

**THEON** : i have a hypothetical question

 **YARA** : No.

 **THEON** : ????  
bitch

 **YARA** : Either ask me a *real* question that you want a *real* answer to, or gtfo.  
BITCH.

 **THEON** : …

 **THEON** : …so anyway…

 **THEON** : HYPOTHETICALLY —

 **THEON** : what is it that makes me so fundamentally unlovable?

 **YARA** : Oh, Christ.

 **THEON** : well that’s tremendously unhelpful, thanks

 **YARA** : A tremendously stupid question warrants an equal answer.

 **THEON** : was that supposed to be ~deep and ~meaningful?  
because it wasn’t  
it was nothing

 **YARA** : Theon.  
You stupid fuck.

 **THEON** : thanks

 **YARA** : You’re not ‘fundamentally unlovable.’  
You’re just coming down from your early-20s orgy high.

 **THEON** : excuse the fuck outta me  
but i’ve never been to an orgy

 **YARA** : Really? Well, then, I guess I do have some sympathy to spare you, after all.

 **THEON** : super

 **YARA** : Look, whatever, you’re just depressed.

 **THEON** : yes i go to therapy once a week i KNOW

 **YARA** : You just turned twenty-seven, mate. Shit’s real now. You’ve emotionally matured. Being a slut doesn’t do it for you anymore, so you feel all self-loathing about all the dumb shit you used to do because you sure as shit wouldn’t do those things *now*

 **THEON** : really demonstrating the versatility of the word ‘shit’ there aren’t you?

 **YARA** : Shut the fuck up, man.

 **YARA** : You’re not unlovable, you’re just full of regret. Join the club. It’s why we all drink so much.

 **THEON** : again, tremendously unhelpful  
you hag

 **YARA** : Well, what the fuck do you want from me?  
Who do you want to love you so badly that it’s turned you into such a whingy sap, anyway?

 **THEON** : i’m not WHINGING  
i’m just  
i told you, it’s hypothetical

 **YARA** : And I told YOU, you’re full of it.

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **YARA** : Don’t bother.  
Whoever it is, just take the plunge. Ask her out. Never had a problem with that before, did you?

 **THEON** : don’t reckon i’m her type

 **YARA** : She single?

 **THEON** : yea

 **YARA** : Then maybe ‘not her type’ is what she needs. Y’know? It’s not worked out with anyone else, so what could it hurt to give you a go?

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : it’s complicated

 **YARA** : How?? Use your words, man!

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **YARA** : It’s not Margaery you fancy, is it?  
Because that wouldn’t just be COMPLICATED, little brother. It would be detrimental to your delicate bones.  
Ogle my woman and you’re a dead man.

 **THEON** : what?? no i don’t fancy MARGAERY for chrissakes

 **YARA** : Why?? Is she not good enough for you????

 **THEON** : i… legitimately do not know what you want me to say to that

 **YARA** : Wanker.

 **THEON** : ???????????

 

*****

 

 **MARGAERY** : so I hear you want to jump on this

 **THEON** : you have been woefully misinformed

 **MARGAERY** : now, now, you’ll go on and hurt my feelings if you keep that up, you dashing rogue, you

 **THEON** : look, marg, you’re a certified babe  
like actually certified  
or so i believed until yara finally told me that she was the one who printed said certificate as a gag gift for your birthday two years ago  
but honestly who hangs a gag gift in their office??  
in a GILDED GOLD FRAME no less

 **MARGAERY** : never let it be said that the Tyrells aren’t ostentatious

 **THEON** : literally no one would say that ever

 **MARGAERY** : hmmm

 **THEON** : my point is  
even in my most black-out drunk days of promiscuity and other questionable behavior  
i would still never’ve hit on my sister’s girlfriend  
my survival instincts wouldn’t allow for it

 **MARGAERY** : oh, pooh. ruin all my fun, why don’t you?

 **THEON** : yes  
i will  
i’m a killjoy, a ruffian, an absolute lad  
tell your friends

 **MARGAERY** : now why would you want me to tell my friends such unflattering things? Yara said you wanted some love. you won’t get it by being… Like That

 **THEON** : yara also said i was a sap  
she’s made me all self-conscious

 **MARGAERY** : awwwwwwwwww

 **THEON** : ew  
no  
fuck  
i don’t want to talk about this

 **MARGAERY** : oh, but you’re in it now, bunny. go on, tell me your feelings

 **THEON** : i don’t have any

 **MARGAERY** : fine. be that way

 **THEON** : i will, thanks

 

*****

 

 **SANSA** : Margaery says you’re being belligerently emotionally stunted again. What’s wrong?

 **THEON** : fuck me i am not

 **SANSA** : That’s a line of something.

 **THEON** : of what, exactly?

 **SANSA** : I’m too polite to say.

 **THEON** : alright so  
agree or disagree, then?: yara would say it’s a line of bullshit

 **SANSA** : Yara *would* say that. And I suppose I’d be inclined to agree with her.

 **THEON** : theeeeere it is  
good show, love

 **SANSA** : So are you going to tell me what’s wrong, then?

 **THEON** : nothing’s wrong  
i’m fine  
perfectly fine  
everything’s fine

 **SANSA** : Oh, well, now that you’ve repeated yourself excessively for no apparent reason, you’ve got me convinced of your well-being.

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : well  
good  
that’s good, then

 **SANSA** : You’re being weird today.

 **THEON** : which is to say, i’m being completely normal  
see?  
nothing to worry about

 **SANSA** : Hm. And yet I remain skeptical.

 

*****

 

 **THEON** : i can’t believe you told on me to sansa

 **MARGAERY** : of all the unbelievable things in this world, that CANNOT be among them

 **MARGAERY** : of course I tattled to Sansa  
I want to know who it is you fancy, and Sansa can always get you to do whatever she likes. it just so happens that she likes the same things I do, so  
you really should have seen this coming

 **THEON** : god damn do NOT talk to sansa about who i fancy

 **MARGAERY** : why not? doesn’t she know who it is? she didn’t say she did, but of course Sansa would never spill your dirty little secrets like that. you have a habit of flaunting them yourself, anyway

 **THEON** : no she doesn’t know  
there’s nothing TO know

 **THEON** : just  
don’t talk to her about it

 **MARGAERY** : _typing…_

 **MARGAERY** : oh my louis vuitton

 **THEON** : ??  
what about him

 **MARGAERY** : one moment, please, I seem to be having a breakthrough

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : no  
margaery

 **THEON** : MARGAERY

 

*****

 

 **MARGAERY** : theon fancies sansa

 **YARA** : I —  
What?  
Really?

 **MARGAERY** : I’m honestly embarrassed that I never noticed before  
have you ever noticed the way he looks at her?  
like she’s a SNACK

 **YARA** : Marg. Babe. Light of my life.  
Sansa IS a snack.  
That’s just common sense. It doesn’t mean Theon fancies her.  
I don’t think my brother’s ever really fancied anybody. He hasn’t got the emotional chutzpah for it.

 **MARGAERY** : Yara darling where has your sense of romance gone? I must say I’m appalled

 **YARA** : Oh, please.

 **MARGAERY** : theon is I N T O her  
I’ll prove it to you

 **YARA** : Really, Marg, I’m not fussed about it enough for you to make me another PowerPoint presentation.

 **MARGAERY** : pardon me, mi amor but the last time I made a powerpoint it solved all of Loras and Renly’s problems  
now Nana doesn’t ask leading questions about their sex life in the middle of sunday brunch

 **YARA** : Right, now she only asks leading questions about OURS.

 **MARGAERY** : well at least it’s a more appetizing conversation than the one about cocks

 **YARA** : _typing…_

 **YARA** : Fine.

 **YARA** : But Theon’s an adult, alright, he can solve his own problems.

 **MARGAERY** : no he can’t!!!!

 

*****

 

 **THEON** : you don’t happen to be with margaery rn, do you?

 **SANSA** : Not yet, no. I’m meeting her for drinks in an hour. Want to join?

 **THEON** : no  
i don’t think you should go either

 **SANSA** : That’s an unfortunate opinion.

 **THEON** : look all i’m saying is  
margaery’s obviously been experimenting with some new rich people drug that makes her say ludicrous things

 **SANSA** : Alright…

 **THEON** : don’t ellipses at me  
your bff has a debilitating drug problem  
this is SERIOUS

 **SANSA** : Mhm. Are you two having a tiff?

 **THEON** : no we are not having a TIFF  
bc it’s the 21st century  
we don’t have ““tiffs””  
we either make passive-aggressive posts on social media or we fistfight, no in-between

 **SANSA** : … … …

 **THEON** : i said what i said

 **THEON** : have fun not hanging out with margaery tonight  
or in the foreseeable future  
kthnxbai

 

*****

 

 **SANSA** : Theon reckons you’re on drugs.

 **MARGAERY** : oh he DOES, does he? how fascinating

 **SANSA** : Right. So what have you done to him?

 **MARGAERY** : to my bunny?? I’d never do anything to him  
and frankly I’m insulted that you’d suggest something so nefarious

 

*****

 

 **MARGAERY** : YOU LOVE HER

 **THEON** : GET OUT OF HERE

 

*****

 

 **MARGAERY** : bless him, he wants to m a r r y her

 **YARA** : What

 **MARGAERY** : this is too delicious. hold pls. must call in reinforcements

 **YARA** : Yeah, I’ll hold. I need to pop half a pack of paracetamol to stave off the stress headache, anyway.

**_MARGAERY TYRELL added ARYA STARK to the chat_ **

**ARYA** : what the hell is going on

 **YARA** : My brother and your sister, apparently.  
Which I’m still not quite getting, by the way.  
I love Theon, but… he’s an idiot.

 **ARYA** : all men are idiots  
it’s like a whole thing  
i mean  
you’ve both met gendry  
gendry’s a fool  
but he’s still, y’know #WorthIt

 **MARGAERY** : that’s adorable but beside the point

 **ARYA** : oi fuck you

 **MARGAERY** : whatever you’re basically an old married woman you’re no longer interesting

 **ARYA** : okay fair  
so what’s up

 **YARA** : To quote myself: ‘My brother and your sister, apparently.’

 **ARYA** : no need for the fuckin sass

 **YARA** : Excuse me, I just feel outrageously unheard.

 **MARGAERY** : ‘theon and sansa sittin in a tree’

 **ARYA** : sansa would never sit in a tree  
trees are filthy  
you think my queen of a sister is going to spoil her designer leggings just to snog some bloke in a tree when she’s got a HOME???

 **ARYA** : but if this is about how theon fancies my sister…  
yeah i already knew that

 **MARGAERY** : DISH, BISH

 **ARYA** : ???? what’s there to dish?? i thought it was dead obvious

 **YARA** : EXPLAIN

 **ARYA** : ugh hold on

**_ARYA STARK added BRAN STARK to the chat_ **

**BRAN** : How can I help?

 **ARYA** : what the fuck bran  
don’t make it weird

 **BRAN** : You only ever add me to group chats when you want something from me. So excuuuuuuse me for assuming.

 **ARYA** : so anyway i’m gonna ignore your fuckin attitude  
now tell everyone about how theon’s hot for sansa

 **MARGAERY** : yes pls

 **YARA** : No one’s asking the real question here, though, which is: Is all this really worth it?

 **MARGAERY** : shut your hot mouth, Yara, I wanna know!!!!!!

 **BRAN** : Of course Theon’s ‘hot for’ Sansa. He can be vulnerable with her without fear of judgment. She takes care of him emotionally, the way she does everyone, but it makes him want to take care of her, too. He owes it to her, without feeling like she’s demanding that he fulfill his end of the bargain. Because this isn’t a relationship that’s predicated on give-and-take the same way that both of their past relationships have. Sansa was always the giver, and Theon never really knew his role because all of his liaisons were purely sexual in nature and, as he’s matured, he’s found that’s not what he’s looking for anymore. So it becomes a case of being in ‘the right place at the right time’ — which, to the romantic, speaks to the powers of fate, as Sansa and Theon reentered one another’s orbits precisely when they needed each other most.

 **YARA** : _typing…_

 **MARGAERY** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : _typing…_

 **BRAN** : In conclusion, it’s only natural — as well as fateful, perhaps — that Sansa and Theon would be…  
Sigh.  
I don’t want to keep saying that they’re ‘hot for’ each other, but I suppose that’s the world in which we now live.

 **YARA** : W h a t

 **MARGAERY** : what are you majoring in, sex therapy????

 **BRAN** : Psychology and philosophy.

 **ARYA** : NERD  
but also yeah that all tracks

 

*****

 

 **YARA** : Bran just psychoanalyzed your thirst for Sansa in the group chat, so reckon it’s safe to say you’re completely fucked, little brother.

 **THEON** : excuse me  
what  
WHAT GROUP CHAT

 

*****

 

 **THEON** : people you should never get drinks with or be in general contact with ever again:  
margaery (duh she’s on drugs)  
my sister (insensitive)   
YOUR sister (has absolutely killed a man before i’m sure of it)  
bran

 **SANSA** : What’s wrong with Bran??

 **THEON** : IDK  
JUST IN CASE

 **SANSA** : Bran and I have a bi-monthly Saturday lunch that consists almost entirely of mimosas, extravagant fruit platters, and a three-hour discussion of what’s wrong with the rest of you. And if you think I’m about to give that up for any reason whatsoever, then YOU’RE the one who’s on mind-altering drugs.

 **THEON** : WOMAN  
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND WITH YOU

 **SANSA** : Don’t call me ‘woman,’ we’ve talked about this.

 **THEON** : fine  
‘your most excellent majesty’  
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND WITH YOU

 **SANSA** : Well, now you’re just being patronizing.

 

*****

 

 **THEON** : whatever you’re doing please for the love of god STOP

 **BRAN** : I’m only doing what’s asked of me and what is necessary.

 **THEON** : are you high?????

 **BRAN** : That is neither here nor there.

 

*****

 

 **ARYA** : this is like  
so dumb  
and i really don’t have time for it so  
theon fancies you and he’s having like an entire episode about it

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : Sorry, what?

 **ARYA** : um read it again??  
i’m not retyping the same shite just bc it’s your turn to have a crisis about it  
ps i love you dearly with all my heart tho  
i’ve just lost my patience with everyone else

 **SANSA** : I love you just the same, but you’re right. Crisis mode activated.

 **ARYA** : text marg she lives for this

 

*****

 

 **SANSA** : SOS

 **MARGAERY** : ‘save our sansa’

 **SANSA** : Theon???????

 **MARGAERY** : no I’m margaery

 **SANSA** : YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

 **MARGAERY** : I do I just don’t appreciate your tone

**_SANSA STARK added YARA GREYJOY to the chat_ **

**SANSA** : HELP ME

 **YARA** : Oh, fuck me, this is mad.

**_YARA GREYJOY added THEON GREYJOY to the chat_ **

**THEON** : WHY

 **YARA** : Cat’s out of the bag, and I’m out of this chat. Let’s go, Marg.

 **MARGAERY** : oh but I want to watch!!!

 **YARA** : … :|

 **MARGAERY** : FINE  
good luck, bunny  
@Sansa take screenshots!!!

**_MARGAERY TYRELL left the chat_ **

**_YARA GREYJOY left the chat_ **

**SANSA** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : So.

 **THEON** : yeah

 **THEON** : >LINK: Tiffany: “I Think We’re Alone Now”<

 **SANSA** : Omg. Cheeky.

 **THEON** : i’m freaking the fuck out so like can you blame me  
honestly  
you should see my inbox rn  
it’s been… this whole thing, san  
that i probably started and then somehow the conversation really got away from me bc i’m an idiot and i just  
i don’t know how to keep making excuses for myself at this point  
and this day has been a whole thing about me jumping through hoops and backtracking on what i’ve said just to protect myself from really showing off what an utter arse i am and i don’t think i can keep it up anymore

 **SANSA** : Why do you need to make excuses at all?

 **THEON** : idk  
because i feel this way and i probably shouldn’t bc it’s pointless and i’m not good enough

 **SANSA** : Don’t say that. You know you’re not supposed to say things like that. It’s not remotely true. You’ve always been good enough, for whatever it is that you want; it’s just that you’ve never believed that.

 **THEON** : i do believe it. for some things  
but this is a whole other… //thing//  
it’s  
fuck  
it’s you, right? i don’t think i’ll ever believe that i’m good enough for you

 **SANSA** : I don’t know how to make you believe otherwise.  
But what if *I* think you’re good enough?  
What if I want you, anyway?

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : wait  
really?

 **SANSA** : You’ve seen me at my worst and never once tried to use that against me.

 **THEON** : that’s not exactly a tall order love  
the bar cannot possibly be that low

 **SANSA** : It’s not, honestly, it’s more like… When you know someone’s right for you, you just know it, don’t you? I used to think I knew it, but even then it wasn’t about the person I was with, it was about what they represented in my grand life plan. And I was always so, so wrong, because in the end they just threw my plan right off the rails, and you were the person who got me back on track. You were there right when I needed you.

 **SANSA** : And it feels so ridiculous to confess all this via text, but I’m afraid if I tried it any other way that I’d be rendered suddenly tongue-tied and I’d never get the chance to tell you how I feel. So I suppose this whole mess of group chats and whatever else I missed happened just the way it had to, for me to tell you anything at all.

 **THEON** : can i take you out?  
i mean  
i’d like to  
i’ve got a whole mess of things i want to tell you too, and i think i’d fuck them up no matter how i did it, but maybe one look at my stupid wistful face will make up for any words i’m bound to trip over

 **SANSA** : You’ve never been bad with words.

 **THEON** : you get me in a whole other way, love  
so  
what d’you say?

 **SANSA** : I say tomorrow, noonish? White Harbor’s been taken over by tourists, which you know is always fit for a laugh.

 **THEON** : i’ll meet you there, with bells on and coffee waiting, the whole nine

 **SANSA** : You sure know how to show a girl a good time, don’t you?

 **THEON** : lol dunno about that  
but i’m hoping i know how to show one to you

 

*****

 

 **YARA** : You really looked ““fundamentally unlovable”” when I caught you kissing Sansa on the beach earlier.  
TROLLOP.

 **THEON** : rather a trollop than a VOYEUR  
were you spying??  
tf you mean, you CAUGHT me??

 **YARA** : Obviously. After the chaotic turn my DMs took yesterday thanks to you, of course I’m going to spy on you to make sure I never have to endure this again.

 **MARGAERY** : I for one am ecstatic  
I even took a grainy photograph to showcase at your wedding

 **THEON** : oh good, margaery’s here and she’s being a fuckin creep

 **ARYA** : i don’t know what i’m doing here  
i already knew everything

 **BRAN** : Because \I/ told you.

 **ARYA** : braggadocious much?????

 **BRAN** : Not half as much as I deserve to be, tbh.  
But go off, I guess.

**_THEON GREYJOY added SANSA STARK to the chat_ **

**ARYA** : NO don’t add sansa we’re all being embarrassing!!!!!!!

 **SANSA** : Oh, please, I’ve seen all of you do karaoke when you’re drunk on margaritas. The group chat’s the least of my concerns.

 **THEON** : i wasn’t about to go through this alone

 **ARYA** : whatever theon we’ve all seen your drunken one-man rendition of ‘summer lovin’ and for some reason my sister still deigns to be seen with you in public  
so like what’s your point

 **YARA** : Ziiiiiiiiing.

 

*****

 

 **THEON** : idk what my point was  
but i think we should block all of their numbers  
like a couple’s bonding activity

 **SANSA** : Or, alternatively, you could come to Saturday lunch with Bran and me. You can’t participate in the conversation, because we’re very self-involved because we’ve earned it, but the bottomless mimosas should keep you busy.

 **THEON** : deal

 **SANSA** : Brilliant. I’ll consider that a binding verbal contract, and now I’d like to add that my mother will be attending this week, too.

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : We’ll just tell her that it was Robb who acted of his own volition and detonated a dozen eggs in the microwave at 2am on a Thursday that one time in secondary school, shall we?

 **THEON** : IT *WAS* ROBB

 **SANSA** : That’s the spirit, darling. xx


End file.
